Movie of the Week

 

R. Kelly's Hip-Hopera Masterpiece: "Trapped in the Closet"

For over a week now (this was meant to have been last week's Movie of the Week), Ihave been trying to find the right words to explain the myriad reasons that you must watch "Trapped in the Closet", but it's just too difficult. All I can really say is that it's a phenomenon that can't fully be explained. It's pure unintentional comedy genius.

Because the words escape me, I have cut and pasted some text from Wikipedia, as well as Chapter 1 lyrics, below. But just do yourself a big favor: get the DVD, and first listen to the audio only; then, watch the whole thing through with audio and video; finally, watch it with R. Kelly's visual/audio commentary running, in which he explains -- among other things -- the artistry of rhyming, with the example of "baretta" and "dresser" to show off his creativity. Just how many layers of literalness there are is fascinating.


You can further explore the details of each intricate chapter at Wikipedia's website, just one of many trackers of this cultural phenomenon which seems to have divided our nation. There are no Red States or Blue States. Our country is divided into those who know (and love "Trapped in the Closet", since to know it is to love it) and those who don't. Many people even intimately know the South Park episode (912) which contains numerous references to the R&B star's tome, or have seen SNL's parody, yet have no idea that it is a reference to an actual 45 minute ditty. It is the most oft-referenced, but seemingly least widely known piece of pop culture material I can think of, ever, in the history of all pop culture, in all times. This contradiction is part of what makes the 'hip-hopus' that much more hypnotic (or would it be hip-hopnotic).


If you would like a copy of the DVD on loan, my copy is currently in Ivy Pinkerton's hands. If you write me in the comments, I can have it delivered directly to you. You will not be disappointed.


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Wikipedia sums up the basics of this triumphant but controversial masterpiece with the following description:

"Trapped In The Closet" is a single released by R&B singer R. Kelly. The song is an ongoing narrative which Kelly has sent to radio one part at a time. As of November 2005, twelve parts have been released, played on radio. The story is about a man named Sylvester, portrayed by Kelly. Sylvester is likely named after Kelly's middle name. The song is notable and unique for many reasons including its absence of a chorus, its detailed and linear narration of a story in a conversational and sometimes rambling manner, its dramatics, and its dangling cliffhangers that occur between parts. Detractors of the song argue the story is told with a choppy, semi-literate tone, while the music and vocalization are the same in every part of the song. Kelly maintains that he is a genius for pioneering what he calls, "hip-hopera."


Chapter 1 lyrics:

7 o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me
I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning darling” from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me and to my surprise she isn’t you
Now I've got this dumb look on my face like “what have I done”?
How could I be so stupid to have been laid in to the morning sun
Must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind?
From the club went to her home, didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys trying to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this way”
Looked at her like she was crazy
Said “woman move out my way”
I Said “I got a wife at home”
She said “please don’t go out there”
“Lady I’ve got to get home”
She said her husband was coming from the stairs
“?? quiet, hurry up and get in the closet”
She said “don’t you make a sound or some ____ is going down
I Said “why don’t I just go out the window”
“yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor”
Think, think… “quick put me in the closet”
And now I'm in this darkest closet trying to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass out this house
And he walks in and yells “I’m home”
She says “honey I'm in the room”
He walks in there with a smile on his face saying “honey I've been missing you”
She hops all over him and says “I've cooked and ran your bathwater”
I'm telling you now this girl is so good she deserves an Oscar
The girl’s in the bed he starts snatching her clothes off
I'm in the closet like man, what the f_ck is going on?
You’re not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said “there’s a mystery going on and I'm going to solve it”
And I'm like “God please don’t let this man open his closet”
He walks in the bathroom and looks behind the door
She says “baby come back to bed”
He says “say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain while she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room. Right now I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed (bed)
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He’s close up to the closet (closet)
Now he’s at the closet (closet)
Now he’s opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)